She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
