last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am mentally ready for anal.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
