just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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