Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
