if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Panties = found
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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