I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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