So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
