I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
