went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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