No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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