the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
