Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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