I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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