Umm I'm too high to move.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
