Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
