Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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