We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
