at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
