I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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