She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
