nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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