Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
