so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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