My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
