And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
