I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
