Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
