I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
