I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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