your parents love me but you hate me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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