either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
