I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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