She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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