Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
