apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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