You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
