I just saw a hot homeless man
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
