Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
