I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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