I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
