ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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