whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
