Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
