My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
time to smoke my breakfast
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
