Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
