I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
