The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
