I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
