I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
