I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
there is glitter all over my balls
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
